A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have
nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.
If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as
little as their parents.
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
You can learn many things from children… like how much patience you have.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep
the television set going.
Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.

Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front.
Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off
with a DIET coke because they’re concerned about their weight
Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have “call waiting” so
we won’t miss a call from someone we don’t want to talk to in the first
place.
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Do we use the word “Politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” (from
Latin) means “many”, and “tics”, meaning blood-sucking pests.
Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

Love starts with a smile, grows into a kiss, and ends with a tear.
Don’t cry over anyone who won’t cry over you.
If love is not a game, why are there so many players?
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
Actions speak louder than words.
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Don’t let the past hold you back, you’re missing the good stuff.
Life’s short. If you don’t look around once in a while you might miss it.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, and lucky to have.
Some people make the world special just by being in it.
Best friends are the siblings G~d forgot to give us.
When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you ; can look
beside you and your best friend will be there.
True friendship never ends.
Friends are forever.
Good friends are like stars…You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.
Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying
is the person who made you cry?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with him/her.
Everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.

by Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
“meetings.”

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big
deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people
who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your friends love you anyway.

Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Money isn’t everything….there’s credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor’s.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
You are Worthy.
Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.

To not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Do not give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly;
In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

    Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; To
    be without hope is to be without purpose.

    Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have
    been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be
    savored each step of the way.

    A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t
    cross the street to vote in a national election.

    We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we
    have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

    We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving. And then we won’t buy a
    car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.

    We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National
    Leagues. But we mumble through half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.

    We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer,
    then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

    We tie up our dogs while letting our sixteen year old kids run wild.

  Life isn’t about keeping score.
  It’s not about how many friends you have
  Or how accepted you are.
  Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you’re alone.
  It isn’t about who you’re dating, who you used to date, how many people you’ve
  dated, or if you haven’t been with anyone at all.
  It isn’t about who you have kissed.
  It’s not about sex.
  It isn’t about who your family is or how much money they have.
  Or what kind of car you drive.
  Or where you are sent to school.
  It’s not about how beautiful or ugly you are.
  Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you
  listen to.
  It’s not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown.
  Or if your skin is too light or too dark.
  Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else
  thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are.
  It’s not about what clubs you’re in or how good you are at “your” sport.
  It’s not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing
  who will “accept” the written you.
  LIFE JUST ISN’T.
  But, life is about who you love and who you hurt.
  It’s about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.
  It’s about keeping or betraying trust.
  It’s about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.
  It’s about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening.
  About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.
  It’s about what judgments you pass and why. And who your judgments are spread  to.
  It’s about who you’ve ignored with full control and intention.
  It’s about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.
  It’s about carrying inner hate and love, letting it grow, and spreading it.
  But most of all, it’s about using your life to touch or poison other people’s
  hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone.

Only you choose the way those hearts are affected, and those choices are what life’s all about.

    Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
    You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark.
    You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.

    If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter
    the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of
    urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare its barbed fins. It
    will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.

    When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly,
    it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by
    hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of
    flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire.
    Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would
    consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.

    The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist
    environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing
    headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700
    times.

    On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious
    gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

    Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than
    good-looking criminals.

    Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One,
    a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear
    warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the
    escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the
    proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.
    In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone
    captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the
    passenger over a cliff.

    More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while
    working in petroleum refining.

    It is impossible to lick your elbow.
    A crocodile can’t stick it’s tongue out.
    A shrimp’s heart is in their head.
    People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart
    stops for a millisecond.
    If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
    sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. if you
    keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

    In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a
    single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
    It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
    A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
    Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti
    especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta
    swastikas.
    More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
    telephone call.
    Rats and horses can’t vomit.
    Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million
    descendants.
    The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest
    tongue twister in the English language.
    If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,
    Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,
    1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
    extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
    In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
    The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
    Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
    already married.
    A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
    23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them
    and photocopying their buttocks.
    In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70
    assorted insects and 10 spiders.
    Most lipstick contains fish scales.
    Cat’s urine glows under a black-light.
    Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
    Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

    The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were
    Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
    Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
    Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
    City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong
    State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
    Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
    Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
    Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
    Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
    The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China 1910.
    The youngest pope was 11 years old.
    The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
    games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major
    League all-stars Game.
    A crocodile can’t stick it’s tongue out.
    The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
    In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.
    If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He’s warning you to stay out of his territory.
    1,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
    Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
    The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
    There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. 
    The average human will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
    The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.

    When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

    If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second
    person.

    Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

    You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

    Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

    Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

    Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

    Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

    Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

    A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

    Don’t say that the “Last One is a Rotten Egg” unless you’re absolutely sure
    there’s a slow kid behind you.

    You can’t start over just because you’re losing the game.

    All libraries smell the same.

    If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.