Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Why, thank you” (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn’t like dogs/cats.

Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe it.

I’ve learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?’

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
Work is good but it’s not that important.
Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
And finally… Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems. They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

Thou shall not become “bogged down” by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One
day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive
home a point, used an illustration I’m sure those students will never forget.

After I share it with you, you’ll never forget it either. As this man stood in
front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, “Okay, time for a
quiz.” Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a
table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and
carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to
the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, “Is this jar full?”
Everyone in the class said, “Yes.”
Then he said, “Really?” He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of
gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of
gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he
smiled and asked the group once more, “Is the jar full?”
By this time the class was onto him. “Probably not,” one of them answered.
“Good!” he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of
sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left
between the rocks and the gravel.
Once more he asked the question, “Is this jar full?” “No!” the class shouted.
Once again he said, “Good!” Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to
pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the
class and asked, “What is the point of this illustration?”

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, “The point is, no matter how full
your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things
into it!”
“No,” the speaker replied, “that’s not the point. The truth this illustration
teaches us is: If you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them
in at all.”

The title of this letter is The “Big Rocks” of Life. What are the big rocks in
your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones?
Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring
others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you’ll never get them in
at all.

So, tonight when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this
question: What are the “big rocks” in my life or business? Then, put those in
your jar tomorrow.

Be understanding to your enemies.
Be loyal to your friends.
Be strong enough to face the world each day.
Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.
Be generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with that you need yourself.
Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.
Be willing to share your joys.
Be willing to share the sorrows of others.
Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.
Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.
Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.
Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.
Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.
Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.
Be loving to those who love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.
Above all, be yourself.

by Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
“meetings.”

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big
deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people
who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your friends love you anyway.

Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Money isn’t everything….there’s credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor’s.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
You are Worthy.
Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.

To not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Do not give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly;
In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

    Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; To
    be without hope is to be without purpose.

    Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have
    been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be
    savored each step of the way.

    A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t
    cross the street to vote in a national election.

    We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we
    have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

    We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving. And then we won’t buy a
    car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.

    We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National
    Leagues. But we mumble through half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.

    We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer,
    then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

    We tie up our dogs while letting our sixteen year old kids run wild.

  Life isn’t about keeping score.
  It’s not about how many friends you have
  Or how accepted you are.
  Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you’re alone.
  It isn’t about who you’re dating, who you used to date, how many people you’ve
  dated, or if you haven’t been with anyone at all.
  It isn’t about who you have kissed.
  It’s not about sex.
  It isn’t about who your family is or how much money they have.
  Or what kind of car you drive.
  Or where you are sent to school.
  It’s not about how beautiful or ugly you are.
  Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you
  listen to.
  It’s not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown.
  Or if your skin is too light or too dark.
  Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else
  thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are.
  It’s not about what clubs you’re in or how good you are at “your” sport.
  It’s not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing
  who will “accept” the written you.
  LIFE JUST ISN’T.
  But, life is about who you love and who you hurt.
  It’s about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.
  It’s about keeping or betraying trust.
  It’s about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.
  It’s about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening.
  About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.
  It’s about what judgments you pass and why. And who your judgments are spread  to.
  It’s about who you’ve ignored with full control and intention.
  It’s about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.
  It’s about carrying inner hate and love, letting it grow, and spreading it.
  But most of all, it’s about using your life to touch or poison other people’s
  hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone.

Only you choose the way those hearts are affected, and those choices are what life’s all about.

    When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

    If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second
    person.

    Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

    You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

    Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

    Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

    Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

    Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

    Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

    A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

    Don’t say that the “Last One is a Rotten Egg” unless you’re absolutely sure
    there’s a slow kid behind you.

    You can’t start over just because you’re losing the game.

    All libraries smell the same.

    If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.

  The following poem is quoted from  “Audrey Hepburn” by Barry Paris, (c)1996 Putnam

  She read it to children for inspiration

    For attractive lips,    speak words of kindness.
    For lovely eyes,    seek out the good in people.
    For a slim figure,    share your food with the hungry.
    For beautiful hair,    let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
    For poise,    walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone…
   

People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived,
reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed …

    Never throw out anybody.
    Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
    you’ll find one at the end of your arm.
    As you grow older
    you will discover that you have two hands.
    One for helping yourself,
    the other for helping others.