Members of the male gender are hereby instructed to follow these rules or risk lack of sexual intercourse for five to 10 years.

1. Newspaper is not wrapping paper. Neither is a plastic bag from HMV. Neither is hiding the gift behind your back.

2. Best wrapping paper: katespaperie.com.

3. When you must give gifts: anniversary, birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas/Hanukkah.

4. When she would also like you to give gifts: Arbor Day, Flag Day, Kazakhstan Independence Day (December 16), Chester A. Arthur’s birthday (October 5).

5. Flowers are not gifts. They’re a garnish.

6. If you are going to buy said garnishes: roses minus the baby’s breath, monochromatic tulips, orchids on the stems, eremuri, calla lilies in colors.

7. Carnations and chrysanthemums are the floral equivalent of T.G.I. Friday’s.

8. A blue box from Tiffany’s is the ultimate packaging, because it will make the Gift Givee squeal, ” Oohh! A blue box!”

9. Addendum: Gift Giver understands that contents of said blue box must also be from Tiffany’s or risk serious injury to lower part of body.

10. Practical gifts are a federal offense. You are better off giving a single leg warmer than any of the following: coffeemaker, paper shred-der, vacuum cleaner, computer, fancy pen, smoke alarm, or forklift.

11. Acronym gifts are likewise violations: CD, DVD, BSE.

12. If you don’t trust your taste, buy her a service: a massage, facial, or mani-pedi. Prepay the tip.

13. You shall not willfully ignore this obvious but crucially important shortcut: Ask Gift Givee’s friends and family for suggestions.

14. If you must buy your girlfriend a dress or skirt, you shall not supersize. Size down, not up. Banana Republic’s size 2 is really more like a size 6 these days.

15. Pay attention to the fine print. She says: “I loved that bracelet Rachel was wearing.” Your translation: “Let’s have a threesome with her.” Actual translation: “Buy me that bracelet.”

16. Most coveted shoe brands, in descending order: Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Via Spiga, Charles David, Nine West.

17. Giver can never go wrong with cashmere.

18. Surf and ye shall find. A few good shopping sites: uncommongoods.com, sephora.com, girlshop.com, blissworld.com, bluefly.com.

19. Try giving six wrapped wine bottles, each labeled with a watershed relationship moment: first anniversary, first baby, first house, et cetera. Open and drink when you arrive at said moments.

20. Addendum: Do not include first affair, first arrest, first divorce.

21. Avoid self-improvement gifts, even if the Givee asks for them. A book on the South Beach Diet will not get you laid.

22. When buying clothes, it’s safest to stick to things that will not lead to further self-esteem issues involving the size of her body parts. Examples: hats, gloves, scarves, sarongs.

23. Don’t buy lessons. Yoga sessions and pottery classes put the onus on the Givee, and no one likes an onus.

24. Snooping is not a violation; snooping is encouraged. When Givee is not home, look in her closet to see if she likes Club Monaco, J.Crew, or Chanel. If it’s Chanel, quietly close the closet door and back away. You were never there.

25. Find item Gift Givee is most proud of and buy a newer, better, more expensive version of identical item. Consider: You’re a basketball fan. She buys you tickets to a lacrosse game, citing the logic that it’s also a game with a ball and a net. Or else she comes home with NBA playoff tickets, courtside. Which makes you happier?

26. Regarding cards: Avoid ones with jokes about her age, weight, or sexual shortcomings. Try making a card, using a color Xerox of your favorite photo of the two of you … oh, forget it. Fredflare.com or papyrusonline.com.

27. Perform due diligence. Next time your girlfriend is paging through a magazine, listen to her instead of nodding vacantly. Ask to see the item she’s drooling over. Make a mental note. Fetch

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and begins to read her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”) “You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her. “I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think .

It’s not an act, I really don’t care.
Diet sodapop tastes worse, and Yes, I can tell the difference.
Chicken wings or vegetarian lasagna… Guess which I’ll pick every time.
Yes I know what foreplay is. But when you tell me not to mess up your hair, not to tickle you, and ask if I heard the phone ring, there’s not much left is there.
While I can tell you who Red ‘the Galloping Ghost’ Grange was, and in great detail too, I have no idea who what’s-his-name on that sit-com you like so much is.
I will not wear a bracelet unless it has paramedic information on it. Period.
You go to the Arts and Crafts Show. I’ll go to the Hunting and Fishing Expo. Sounds like a perfect weekend to me.
Do I think you need to get your hair cut short? Is it longer than Crystal Gayle’s? And you are never getting a perm either. See Crystal Gayle and her hair.
Laying wet vegetables on the newspaper before I read it is a Felony.
So is using my razor on your legs.
I know, I never wore that pink shirt your mother bought me. And if she buys me a pink tie, I won’t wear it either.
No I didn’t hear what you said while Tiger was putting for the Masters Championship. Repeating it while Team Green is about to finish 1 - 2 at the Long Beach Grand Prix won’t help.
I probably forgot your birthday, Mother’s Day, Sweetheart Day, Port Fogworth Incorporation Day, my birthday, Columbus Day, Valentines Day, the cat’s birthday, and our anniversary, what makes you think I’ll remember what TODAY is?
I ordered it off the web site, paid good cash money for it, had it gift wrapped, and had it overnight mailed to you, of course I meant it.
Yes it is a cute little car. But I still want something that looks like an Army Truck.
We still had our clothes on, so it wasn’t serious flirting.
Don’t ask me if I think ‘she’ is prettier than you. If you have to ask, ‘she’ is.
Do I think those few extra pounds look good on you? If I say yes, you’ll gain a few more, and a few more… if I say no, you’ll be mad for a week. Talk about a no win situation.
Quit faking it in bed. If you want it a different way. Say So! And it won’t hurt my feelings if you initiate it once in awhile.
I thought ‘Rambo 3′ was romantic, why would I want to watch ‘The Princess Bride’?
I promise not to laugh the next time you tell me the cat got ran over by a street sweeper.

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism,goodcitizenship,sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams,even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of
their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that might qualify my family for food stamps! You want me to
do all of this and then you tell me . . .

I CAN’T PRAY ????”

(Hard to argue with this logic!)

“I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here’s one plan.”

1) “The US will apologize to the world for our “interference” in their affairs, past & present.
You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those “good ole boys”, we will never “interfere” again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone.
We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign “students” over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a “D” and it’s back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we’ll go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not “interfere.” They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need Besides most of know that what we give them is stolen or given to their army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us “Ugly Americans” any longer.

11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH…learn it…or LEAVE…

Now, isn’t tha t a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.

She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?’

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

************** To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

It wants to give you “the word”:
…If you think you are entitled to a share of my income.

…If you think I should pay to treat your illnesses.

…If you think you know better than I do how to save and invest for my future.

…If you want to try to tell me what kinds of weapons I can own or use to defend myself and my property

…If you think you can tell me what I may or may not do with land that I own.

…If you think you can tell me how to operate my business, whom to hire or fire and how much to pay my employees.

…If you think PC pandering to psychotic minorities and islamist nutballs is more important than truth and common sense.

…If you think “from each according to his abilities and to each according to his needs” makes sense or sounds “fair”.

…If you don’t think meat is food.

…If you don’t understand that vegetables were once alive too.

He’ll have more to say later. He’s getting very talkative nowadays.

That’s it for now. He’ll have more to say later.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you. ..she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!” Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male.

Some reasons that it’s great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time.

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too dirty.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends that you’ve changed.

Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “screw it.”

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, “So… notice anything different?”

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.

Ribbed for her pleasure — not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.

“Women and children first.”