My sister sent this to me and both mom and her loved Elvis. I only remember him as an overweight singing with as much bling on as Liberace.  I suppose one day my children will be looking at Arnold Schwarzenegger and Johnny Depp the same way as I look at Elvis. But here is to all of you who loved Elvis.

A Tribute to our Flag

Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.” The second? ………………….William Jefferson Clinton

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Why, thank you” (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn’t like dogs/cats.

Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe it.

I’ve learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?’

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
Work is good but it’s not that important.
Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
And finally… Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

If we could shrink the Earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same; the village would look like this.

There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the western hemisphere
(north and south) and 8 Africans.
51 would be female; 49 would be male
70 would be non-white; 30 white
70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian
50% of the entire world’s wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people and
all 6 would be from the United States
80 would live in substandard housing and 70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
Only 1 would have a college education
No one would own a computer

A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.
“While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.”
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear–he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, “I love Mommy,” surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.

Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems. They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

Thou shall not become “bogged down” by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.
At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.
The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you.
A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
Without you, someone may not be living.
You are special and unique, in your own way.
Someone that you don’t know even exists, loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned it’s back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world.

When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.
Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks.
Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much better when they know.
If you have great friends, take the time to let them know that they are great.

We mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense.
Common Sense lived a long life but died in the United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn’t always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it’s okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body piercing, whole language, and “new math.” But his health declined when he became infected with the “If-it-only-helps-one-person-it’s-worth-it” virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female
student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel. As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Obituary author unknown.

A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One
day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive
home a point, used an illustration I’m sure those students will never forget.

After I share it with you, you’ll never forget it either. As this man stood in
front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, “Okay, time for a
quiz.” Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a
table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and
carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to
the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, “Is this jar full?”
Everyone in the class said, “Yes.”
Then he said, “Really?” He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of
gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of
gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he
smiled and asked the group once more, “Is the jar full?”
By this time the class was onto him. “Probably not,” one of them answered.
“Good!” he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of
sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left
between the rocks and the gravel.
Once more he asked the question, “Is this jar full?” “No!” the class shouted.
Once again he said, “Good!” Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to
pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the
class and asked, “What is the point of this illustration?”

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, “The point is, no matter how full
your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things
into it!”
“No,” the speaker replied, “that’s not the point. The truth this illustration
teaches us is: If you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them
in at all.”

The title of this letter is The “Big Rocks” of Life. What are the big rocks in
your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones?
Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring
others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you’ll never get them in
at all.

So, tonight when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this
question: What are the “big rocks” in my life or business? Then, put those in
your jar tomorrow.

Be understanding to your enemies.
Be loyal to your friends.
Be strong enough to face the world each day.
Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.
Be generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with that you need yourself.
Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.
Be willing to share your joys.
Be willing to share the sorrows of others.
Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.
Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.
Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.
Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.
Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.
Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.
Be loving to those who love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.
Above all, be yourself.